Sometimes I’m too serious about things. Like what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks to put on this blog. Burlesque-only stuff? Writing? Daily blah-blah stuff? Gah. It doesn’t matter. I sometimes forget I can make my own rules for things like this. So here’s something I wrote awhile back, and I’ve read it live a few times. It makes me laugh, and it usually makes other people laugh, and it’s not serious at all. Which is why it suits me at the moment.
10 Things I Know About You
In no particular order
1. You sing when you’re alone. You sing loudly. Sometimes it’s Radiohead, sometimes it’s Johnny Cash and sometimes on long Saturday afternoons when you’re cleaning the bathroom, it’s the soundtrack of an Andrew Lloyd Weber musical. Possibly even Miss Saigon or an animated Disney film. You imagine yourself, at various points throughout the soundtrack as every major character, both male and female and mermaid. (As a side note, you have not yet worked out how you’d ever get the chance to play both Kim and the Engineer in the aforementioned Miss Saigon.)
2. You do not like your job. Even if you think you like your job, you do not.
3. You regret the number of one night stands you’ve had. Sometimes you regret the number is so high; other times you regret that it’s so low.
4. You are almost certain you know the basic differences between the Kurds, Shiites and Sunnis and thus, the reason they all can’t stand each other, but if asked to verbally explain this without the help of Wikipedia, you could not.
5. You have cried – CRIED you silly sap – while watching an unspecified reality show. You have never, ever revealed this to anyone.
6. When you turned 21, you felt old in a wonderfully, beautiful, powerful, I’m-able-to-drink-legally kind of way. You’ve felt old on every birthday since then, but in a slightly less wonderfully beautiful way. And 25? Holy crap. Where did that come from? Thirty, you had your eye on for quite some time, were in negotiations for years with 30. You had your fingers crossed that it could be avoided all together. You didn’t even see 25 coming. It was mean and sneaky and it made you into something dangerously close to an adult.
7. You are filthy when you’re alone. Filthy. Forget farting and picking your nose. Those are givens. You’ve eaten food long after its expiration date. You’ve eaten food off the floor. Sometimes you’ve eaten long expired food off the floor. You have worn underwear until it qualifies as self-defense against predators. While you are a little embarrassed about these things, you also believe it’s your right as a human being to do them.
8. You say you recycle.
You do not recycle.
9. You believe that had you so chosen, had you actually applied, you could’ve gone to Yale or Harvard or Cambridge, could’ve been a doctor or psychiatrist or lawyer because goddammit, you’re smart. But fuck money. Fuck it. You chose art, you chose fucking beauty, you chose hunger and pain and anonymity and goddammit, it may not’ve been the most practical choice you’ve ever made, but it was far from the worst. You are true. You are true and honest and clean and pure in a dirty world.
Which leads me to…10. You? You’re just like me.